Have you ever had this idea, if not this conviction, that a conflict-free environment will lead to happiness and success.?
You even tend to minimize the disagreement or to shut up while it stays in the back of your mind and follows you everywhere.? Over time, this eats you from the inside and generates massive frustrations and grumpiness. You feel constantly on eggshells and tense in the exchanges. Powerless, you don't know how to maneuver.
Sounds familiar? Many of us develop an aversion to conflict in our quest for a peaceful and harmonious life. However, this approach seriously impacts our satisfaction at work and can hinder our personal and professional growth. Worse it can lead us to feel almost trapped in certain situations.
In this blog post, we'll explore why it's time to revise this idea and how to do it. Let's discover why embracing diverging, if not opposing, viewpoints can lead to a more fulfilling and effective life.
The misconception of harmony
At the heart of our aversion to conflict lies a common belief: harmony equates to happiness. While harmony can create a pleasant environment, it can mask underlying issues and prevent necessary progress. In "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team," author and consultant Patrick Lencioni outlines how teams that engage in healthy conflict perform better because they address issues openly and make better decisions. It's even at the heart of team performance and collective intelligence

 In a VUCA world, cultivating healthy conflicts will make or break your innovation capacity. When we avoid conflict at all costs, we miss out on valuable opportunities for growth and improvement. Conflict, when approached constructively, can be a powerful catalyst for change.
The fear of conflict
Despite these clear benefits, conflict avoidance remains common at every level of our organizations. Why is this so? Many people hate conflict more for the highly emotional dimension it entails than for rational reasons.
Instead of listing tools and techniques for healthy conflict that you won't use, let's delve deeper to understand what conflict triggers in you.
The root of conflict aversion
There are 3 typical underlying fears generally behind discomfort with conflicts:
Fear of not being liked and please Many people dislike conflict because it threatens their need to be liked and to please others. This deep-seated desire often stems from a fear of rejection or disapproval. When we challenge the status quo, we need to confront the possibility that our actions or opinions may not be universally accepted.
Fear of being wrong and the need to prove yourself Conflict can make you uncomfortable, especially if it exposes your vulnerabilities or areas where you might be wrong. This can be particularly distressing for those with a strong underlying need to prove themselves. The fear of not having all the answers or being perceived as inadequate can drive people to avoid conflict altogether, preferring the safety of harmony over the risk of confrontation.
The fear that conflict will undermine harmony Another common reason for avoiding conflict is the belief that it disrupts harmony. Conflict can feel inherently destructive if you have a strong need for a peaceful environment. This belief leads to the misconception that all disagreements are harmful and should be avoided to maintain tranquility.
By the way, do you want a helpful, reassuring perspective on the first two fears? They are shared by probably a good 80% of us. Dr Gabor Maté identifies them as the two fears resulting from our two basic needs as human beings: the need to be oneself as we are and the need for connection/attachment. Our fears are rooted in our childhood and dragged over time. And since emotions always defeat logic, we keep them even if we know the value of, e.g., conflict!
Reframing conflict
Understanding these underlying reasons is the first step in shifting your mindset about conflict. Instead of viewing conflict as a threat, consider it an opportunity for growth and improvement. Here are three reframing questions to help you change your perspective on conflict:
Focus on progress, not approval. Remember all the people around you who prove that you're lovable! A handful is enough. You are already liked and loved. Thus you don't need another proof of it, don't you? Then ask yourself: Do I need everyone's approval, or do I need to move things forward? Seeking universal approval is not only unrealistic but also unnecessary. What truly matters is making progress and achieving your goals. Conflict can be a powerful tool for driving change and innovation.
Separate yourself from your ideas or actions. Reflect on this: how can I separate my self-worth from my ideas and actions? Embrace the notion that your value as a person is not tied to your opinions or what you do. You can engage in conflict without feeling personally attacked by seeing ideas and actions (e.g. in your role as a manager) as separate entities. Remember that you are enough just as you are and have always been.
Cherish the relationships and play with the ideas. Consider this: how can I cultivate harmonious relationships and treat ideas and opinions as separate from the people who hold them? If we can disconnect ideas from the individuals who propose them, we create a space where ideas can be freely examined and debated. Start with the premise that everyone is okay and enough, then explore how different perspectives can contribute to better outcomes. This approach fosters a collaborative environment where conflict becomes a constructive and creative force. Cherish the relationships and challenge the ideas.
The helpful tip from Professor Brené Brown
In her excellent book "Dare to Lead," Professor Brené Brown offers a technique to manage conflictual situations. This technique allows you to detach people from ideas, cultivate relationships, and could even make you envisage conflict as a game.
Facing a conflict, Brown recommends entering a conversation this way: "The story I make up myself around this point is (...) I understand it's my story. What's yours? And what do we understand through putting everything on the table?"
In a nutshell
Addressing the deep-seated reasons for avoiding conflict can help us see it in a new light. Conflict doesn't have to be a negative experience or personal; it can lead to deeper understanding, stronger relationships, and greater innovation.
When we embrace conflict with an open mind and a willingness to learn, we unlock our true potential and enhance our performance. To achieve this, you don't need more theory or tools; you need to work on yourself and feel good about yourself so that you don't take anything personally anymore.
Remember, it's not about avoiding conflict but about navigating it constructively. Challenge yourself to embrace different viewpoints, engage in healthy debates, and see conflict as an opportunity for growth.
Work primarily on developing a solid sense of self-worth and the conviction that you're a good and lovable person. These underlying shifts will finally make conflict theory easy to play with!
PS:Â Want to go further and speed up the process? Check out my free masterclass on overcoming imposter syndrome. Even if you wouldn't label your struggle this way, the need to please and self-doubt are typical of imposter syndrome. Just click below!
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